Have you ever been so angry that you feel like smashing a wall or breaking things? Yeah, that burst of annoyance you desperately feel a need to let out. Phew, slow down. I have felt like that, too, and even though it felt necessary, it was unhealthy. There is good and bad anger. I will explain.
Anger is like every other emotional state that can go from mild to elevated (furious or rage), and it is okay to be angry. It is a natural response to threats or when attacked, so a certain level of anger is necessary to maintain a balance and for our survival. However, how we express anger differs from person to person, and that is where anger management comes in. Knowing how to understand your buttons, when they are pushed, and how you express your anger in ways that are not detrimental to your mental health is crucial.
You can suppress your anger and redirect it by converting it to a more constructive behavior rather than a responsive one. What you do is to be less emotionally reactive.
Learn about your anger and remind yourself that you do not always have something to prove.
Expressing your anger constructively is necessary because if you do not, it can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, depression, or self-harm.
How to manage your anger for your own good.
If anger can be healthy for survival, why manage it? A misconception is that managing your anger means you submit to the anger or accept defeat if someone annoys you.
Anger management aims to reduce your emotional reaction and the physiological tension anger causes. You cannot avoid or prevent the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions and how they affect your mental health.
Learn to control your anger. Do not let it control you.
Change the way you think.
Avoid using words like “never” and “always” because it magnifies the problem and rules out any potential solution. “I never get things right” or “People are always out to annoy me” will create more chaos for you.
Anger causes exaggerated and overly dramatic thoughts. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “Oh, it is terrible, everything is ruined,” tell yourself, “It is frustrating, and, understandably, I am upset about it, but it is not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”
Practice meditation and mindfulness.
The power of deep breaths cannot be overemphasized. It is a great tool for toning down your anger and redirecting it.
The steps in this tweet will help you during your next anger episode. Try them.
Be more assertive
This has been very helpful in anger management and in dealing with toxic conversations aimed at belittling me or my position.
Say what you are doing or how you feel out loud, and then do it. Like I am going to hang up the phone, or I am going to walk away and do just that. It empowers you with a sense of control over the situation and your anger.
Use phrases of authority when you do not like how something or someone makes you feel. Rather than “Please do not speak to me that way,” say, “I do not allow people to speak or treat me like that,” or “I will not allow you to talk to me like that.” It is not authority over the other person but yourself, showing that you have control over how others interact with you. It helps with esteem, too.
Vent, then question your anger. It is okay to vent as it helps deflate your emotions. However, it is helpful to let your analytical side take over your emotional side, especially during or after a heated conversation. Questions like “Why did this happen?” “Why am I this angry?” “When did this first happen?” These questions of fact give room for logical reasoning, calmness, and progressive discussions.
Knowing when to respond or let go is the first hack. If the feelings do not fade, say something but be logical. You might want to let it go if it is only to make you feel better and not improve that relationship or interaction.
Sometimes, anger stems from problem-solving. When things do not go as planned, or you do not meet a target, you get angry at yourself. It can be frustrating if you are used to having a solution for every problem. I know because I recently started getting better at this one.
The hack here is to remind yourself that as long as someone or something else has a role to play in that activity, there is room for fuck ups. And that is okay.
Do not punish yourself with anger for not having it all figured out.
If it is out of your hands it deserves freedom from your mind too.
Review your plan, retrace your steps, focus on the problem, and redirect your frustration to finding a solution. And if there is none, that is okay. It does not mean you are incompetent or a fraud (unless you are) just kidding, lol.
As I wrap this up, the most important is to be kind to yourself. Remember that your anger hurts you more than it does the other person. It is your face that gets red, and you are the one who ends up with a headache. Permit and forgive yourself for the mistakes, the missed opportunities, and forgetting to do something. You are a work in progress. If you have everything figured out, there will be no room for learning.
Anger is okay as a survival instinct, but if you notice it has become a problem, work on yourself or seek help to manage your anger. Anger is stressful, and you deserve peace of mind.
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