You are who you think you are.
I remember growing up with a huge love for sports and wanting to play football (soccer 🙄) every chance I got but not being able to because I would be grounded (trying to put smacking in the ass with a whip, mildly). It's interesting because in the society I grew up in, most people assumed I got preferential treatment for being biracial. Little did they know that I only felt like myself or anything close to confident when I was playing football.
Like most parents, mine didn't want to hear about any passion or hobbies that didn't involve studying and passing exams at school. I was an A-student but I was shy, introverted, and drowned in low self-esteem for the majority of my childhood, teen, and early adult years. Even when I picked up skating (inline rollerblades) and got so good that I became the head coach of the only Skate club in the university, I still struggled with self-esteem issues and felt I would never be enough for anyone (including relationships).
Then I realized something in the summer of 2014.
You don't know who you are when you try to please everyone else.
I started my journey to find out why I felt that way.
Why you have lost your self-confidence.
Many of us struggle with knowing who we are because of who we have been made to believe we must be to fit into society.
For some, being yourself doesn't feel comfortable or safe because people close to you disapprove or constantly Shame you for not doing things their way.
It could even be that you don't know who you are, what you like, or what you need because you’ve been trained/groomed to like and want what someone else likes and wants. You've become a shadow of your parent, spouse, friend, mentor, or religious leader.
Whatever the reason, the good thing is that self-confidence is like any muscle; you can build it into what you want it to be.
Be brave or pretend to be until it becomes real.
How I built self-confidence and tips to help you with yours.
The turning point for me was dealing with and recovering from depression. It made me realize that traumatic experiences can make you believe the worst about yourself and destroy your self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
I got tired of blaming myself, accepting negative thoughts, and believing that I didn't deserve anything good because I wouldn't be good enough for anything or anyone. This made me seek therapy and support from a community of friends that helped stir me on the path to recovery and self-confidence.
Alter-ego journaling started the journey.
Writing about who I imagined myself being if everything was fine was a game-changer. I'd imagine the most beautiful, confident, radiant, and happy version of myself and write what he does and how well it turned out.
I am speaking at a conference in Berlin, and the guests are so excited about everything I share. Doing this every day and sometimes saying it out loud helped build confidence. It made me feel I had a better life to look forward to if I tried.
Celebrating the little wins.
It was a difficult but impactful experience for me, and it is understandable. Trauma can make you focus only on the things you did wrong, where you failed, or what you could have done better. However, rewarding yourself for the littlest achievement helps build up a habit that encourages self-confidence.
A circle that believes in you when you don't.
The power of a supportive community can’t go unnoticed. Some days will be tough, and you will feel like shit again, but on those days, these people can remind you of the parts of yourself that make you confident. Keep them close.
Some other practices to build self-confidence are:
identifying what you like about yourself and focusing on it,
getting yourself ready for the day with a good exercise,
embracing your flaws and working to be better,
forgiving yourself for being imperfect and making mistakes,
using positive self-talk and affirmations,
taking care of your body (dressing, smelling, and eating nice),
doing nice things for others,
trying new hobbies.
Trauma, abuse, and bullying or oppression are self-esteem killers, but these practices can help build your self-confidence from scratch.
It’s not a task that happens overnight but a journey that involves little steps, consistent growth, and daily progress. You can be who you are meant to be if you don’t stop trying.